Shame

My ex-boyfriend, from junior high school, is still a good friend of mine today. He has picked me up from radiation treatments just out of sheer kindness and concern. He has told me that my bald, post-chemotherapy head is sexy. He is a great guy, who happens to really know how to boost my self-eastern

Recently, our relationship has kind of ”rekindled”. We have gone out a few times, and, even though he isn't the same kid that I used to adore, he is a sweet man, and I'm finding that I still care for him, albeit in a different way.

The other day, things got intimate.  Since the mastectomy, however, intimacy hasn't been my strong suit. In the dark, in his arms, I felt like I hadn't in a very long time. Then, when he tried to unhook my bra, I literally froze. Of course, I have not had my reconstruction yet. I only have one breast, and while I may look fantastic in my clothes, thanks to a really nice prosthesis, without any clothing or prosthetic aid, I am a lopsided victim of breast cancer. The shame and embarrassment that I carry is very irrational. I know it isn't my fault that I am like this. I know that I should view my mastectomy scar as a triumph and a victory over the cancer that tried to take my life. But as a woman, I feel scarred and incomplete.

He told me, ”I don't care about that.”  I thought to myself, ”How could you not?” Needless to say, the moment was pretty much ruined. I have learned that I am not ready to be unveiled... not while I am like this.  I suspect that is the wrong way to feel, but I can't feel any other way.

I have also learned that he is a wonderful man. Hopefully he will be around when I get my confidence back...

After More Than a Year of Contemplation...

First off, I want to say HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! It is now 2012. I went through half of 2010 and the entire year of 2011 without one single blog post. Simply put, I was depressed. My life was a dull series of routines. Day in, day out, I performed required tasks like a hamster on a wheel. My alarm would go off in the morning, and I would GO. I wouldn't stop until my body quite literally dragged me into bed, usually in the wee hours of the next day. I was not proud of the machine I had become. I was alive, but I was not fulfilled. I was alive, but I was not fulfilled. I WAS ALIVE BUT I WAS NOT FULFILLED!

What kind of life is that?

I survived Breast Cancer. That means a lot of things. I survived Breast Cancer means I am blessed. I walked away from a Stage 3 tumor and metastasis with MY LIFE. I survived Breast Cancer means I am strong. I have endured a lot (from personal tragedy to cancer treatment) and am still around to talk about it. I survived Breast Cancer... means that this wonderful thing we know as LIFE is so fragile, and so short, with all I have been through, I just want to ENJOY the life I have left. I want to bask in the happiness of my children's smiles and laughter. I want to give them a lifetime of wonderful memories that they can hold onto forever. I want to experience a LOVE that doesn't degrade or control, one that allows me to live MY life, one that appreciates the woman I am and the blessings I have received thus far, one that allows for us to grow TOGETHER.

I am here. I am thankful and so grateful. In 2012, I promise myself that I will work harder to achieve my goals. I will no longer block my blessings! I will be happy in this life, or I will die trying.

Thank you for reading.