Shame

My ex-boyfriend, from junior high school, is still a good friend of mine today. He has picked me up from radiation treatments just out of sheer kindness and concern. He has told me that my bald, post-chemotherapy head is sexy. He is a great guy, who happens to really know how to boost my self-eastern

Recently, our relationship has kind of ”rekindled”. We have gone out a few times, and, even though he isn't the same kid that I used to adore, he is a sweet man, and I'm finding that I still care for him, albeit in a different way.

The other day, things got intimate.  Since the mastectomy, however, intimacy hasn't been my strong suit. In the dark, in his arms, I felt like I hadn't in a very long time. Then, when he tried to unhook my bra, I literally froze. Of course, I have not had my reconstruction yet. I only have one breast, and while I may look fantastic in my clothes, thanks to a really nice prosthesis, without any clothing or prosthetic aid, I am a lopsided victim of breast cancer. The shame and embarrassment that I carry is very irrational. I know it isn't my fault that I am like this. I know that I should view my mastectomy scar as a triumph and a victory over the cancer that tried to take my life. But as a woman, I feel scarred and incomplete.

He told me, ”I don't care about that.”  I thought to myself, ”How could you not?” Needless to say, the moment was pretty much ruined. I have learned that I am not ready to be unveiled... not while I am like this.  I suspect that is the wrong way to feel, but I can't feel any other way.

I have also learned that he is a wonderful man. Hopefully he will be around when I get my confidence back...